dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you would pick up someone in the library
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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