Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
