the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
