Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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