matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
