my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
