True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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