I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
