...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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