Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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