so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
