He uses pillows to masturbate.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
