Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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