It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
