I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
