they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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