Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
