I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
