Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
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