i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
