he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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