Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
