It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
