I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I did not marry a roomba.
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