when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize