The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
