I'm going to rape someone's good day.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
