someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
