He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
