Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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