for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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