gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
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