Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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