Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
