im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
