You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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