it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
is this the sara with the beer cane?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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