bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
