Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
