Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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