Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
