I heard we made out
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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