you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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