my room smells like sperm. sweet.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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