you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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