Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
How drunk are you?
Completed.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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