sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
