He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
