i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
