elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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