K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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