You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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