Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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