So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize