Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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