i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
