The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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