OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
