She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
