i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The adults are the big ones right?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
