How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
it glows. i had to have it.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
